The Library of Spanking Fiction: Wellred Weekly
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Articles
Items of interest regarding all things spanking
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Safety in the Scene We all know the term Safe, Sane and Consensual. It's the mantra that we operate by in the spanking scene. This is the fine line that separates what we do from abuse. The scene being what it is, though, can provide a ripe breeding ground for dysfunction. Coming into the scene as a newbie is scary. If one does not have a firm grasp of what they are seeking, or how to enforce their own boundaries, one can land in hot water very quickly and very easily. There are many, many good people in the scene. I have had the pleasure to know many and I know there are many more that I have not yet had the pleasure to know. I consider myself lucky in the respect that when I entered the scene about 11 years ago that it was on a small discussion board where I was able to get to know quite a few good people really well before venturing out into real life about 5 years later. This gave me an opportunity to read many pieces that outlined how to be safe when finally venturing out into real life situations. The timing was perfect in the sense that after a few years the party aspect of the scene began to explode. By this time, I was more established and pretty certain in regards to what I wanted and what I did not want, as well as comfortable with my own boundaries enough to not ever give anyone a passing thought who tried to push past them. Because of the dynamic of what we do, it can make those who are unsafe be harder to spot. 'Dominance' is part of what we do, and a perfect cover for anyone who may desire to abuse. If one is a newbie, they are in unfamiliar territory. They may not be fully aware of what is protocol and what is predatory. Their nerves may set them on edge, and they may find it difficult to distinguish whether or not their discomfort is due to a bad situation or just the uncertainty of how to navigate the scene. If they find themselves in a bad situation, they may be uncertain how to react or extricate themselves from it. They may second guess whether their response is an over-reaction, and feel as if they have nowhere to really turn. This can be due to them not feeling established enough to be able to get advice from others because they do not have a firm grasp on who is trustworthy and who is not. They may feel unsure of whether or not it is okay to exert control over their own boundaries when, by the nature of what we do, many times we are 'giving up control'. They may try something and find they may not like it, yet feel as if they are not entitled to a change of mind. They may be unsure of exactly what it is that may work for them, and be made to feel as if they are 'playing a game' due to their indecision. We all learn by our continuing experiences. If something doesn't feel right to you, that is a red flag. Take note of it and proceed with caution. It doesn't matter if you have made a mistake in the past and gone ahead and allowed something you were not comfortable with because you were unsure of how to assert yourself. It can not be used against you; you are entitled to decide at any time that you no longer want to do something, even if in the past you have allowed it. If someone dismisses you when you communicate this, you need to run far in the opposite direction. Warning signs of potential danger for the unsure:
Everyone is entitled to their boundaries, be unapologetic about them! If you are not fully aware of what your boundaries are as a newbie, know that you are fully entitled to change what you want to engage in at any time, even if you have allowed something in the past. You are responsible for communication! The above list is not an assumption of mind reading. You must state what you want or do not want. If you are unsure, say so and reserve the right to change your mind. The bad thing is, predators are usually skilled manipulators. They will lie without thought as long as they get what they want. Can women be manipulators? You better believe it! But in this genre of what we do, it's generally a dominant who is able to exercise such control under the notion of 'D/s'. Some people do want extreme control wielded over them, and that is their bag and not what I am addressing. What I am addressing above has to do with being targeted because you are new, and unsure and someone latches onto that vulnerability and turns that into an opportunity to exert domineering control for their own pleasure without regards to what you want. You may be strong and assertive in other areas of your life and think it can not happen to you. It can! There is something about this genre that can sometimes cause us to throw out our normal radars and safeguards because we desire to let go in a safe way. You can not afford to do that, not when starting to get your feet wet or just getting to know someone. Even if someone you thought you knew well starts exhibiting certain behaviors listed above, and you have not agreed to it or feel coerced into agreeing, please take a step back to rethink things. Communication is essential to what we do. Do not be dismissed!  8 comments:
catmama said...
Excellent article. I hope that I may need this information someday. I will certainly read it again and keep it in mind. 23 March 2012 03:41
canadianspankee said...
Great information and well presented. Some venture out into real life and somehow think everything will be just like in the fantasy story they read on site, and things are never the same. This info can apply to any situation whether spanko or not, so good to keep these points in mind even when going into other types of relationships as most of them can apply far beyond just spanking. Well done. 23 March 2012 04:10
Alef said...
There isn't much to add. Great — and wise! 23 March 2012 16:23
Janine said...
Wow...truly well stated with excellent information to keep in mind. It helps bring to the forefront the differences between fantasy and reality, and the need to beware. Thank you! 24 March 2012 02:10
islandcarol said...
Such a thoughtful article, an good advice for many situations as well as spanking relationships. Loving/caring relationships do not contain the warning elements you chronicle in your article. Nicely done. 24 March 2012 09:35
PinkAngel said...
Great and much needed article! Well done and thank you 28 March 2012 18:49
TheEnglishMaster said...
Sound advice very clearly stated. It's a shame there are those either manipulative or un-self-aware enough to make this article necessary - they make it harder for the rest of us to make even that first step. 31 March 2012 01:00
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This scene can be dangerous to any person no matter what gender or how strong you think you are. Sarah, I can't say enough about this. I hope everyone who reads it takes notice.
Trust is a big thing.
B