I liked this piece, but I must say that many men are in a DD relationship simply because they are co-dependent on the person they are with. The woman is in charge of everything. I've listened to this so many times and can't seem to change the person's mind, and it's so frustrating. This include women I spoke with, too.

Contacting a medical professional to know your options? Well, I would first contact a legal professional if it gets that bad. If one needs to get out of a DD relationship, they first need to make sure the exit is safe. A medical professional will only treat the problem and possibly give advice, but only after the fact when it's sometimes too late. In my years as a law enforcement person, I've seen this all to often.

Discipline in one's life is a lifestyle lived by those who enjoy the scene and are safe in their roles as top or bottom. When it comes to ending up a slave who is mentally and physically abused, it's time to put on the thinking cap. You are not loved the same way any longer, but only another piece of furniture.

Good piece, Sarah.

I'm not into DD myself as a lifestyle, but I see no reason that it can't be someone else's considered choice. Although there may be, as bendover points out , DD relationships that are NOT truly consensual and healthy, the author here reports that they can me. Thanks for the article.

Thank you for a fine and thoughtful article that should also (or primarily) be read by people who do not naturally visit the library. I agree with everything you say, but would like to add that some of the things one routinely finds on BFSM-sites (about, e.g., male supremacy) are rather scary, and I am worried that some young girls are tricked into interpreting their own desires in ways that are not healthy.

It has always intrugued me that societal standards for behavior must range within a middle of the road standard or they are considered deviant, abnormal. perverted...
It is beyond contemptible that all must conform to a specific pattern of behavior. Although It is not right for me, I value the freedom we have as adults to seek our own pleasure and desire in a consensual relationship.
As Alef says, some young woman may seek out an abusive partner without understanding all aspects of a relationship and find themselves feeding a desire for abuse.
I do not believe this is the case in your description of healthy, satisfying DD. Perhaps the vanillas of the world need to rethink their own ideas on mutually beneficial consensual relationships. Your article is clearly written, well spoken and a step in the right direction.
IC.

Well said, islandcarol.

I always thought DD stood for "Doctor of Divinity". Were those stern gentlemen actually advertising something else about themselves?

I would agree DD can be used for abuse, by either M or F in that situation. My advice then to the submissive partner is to run like hell if you possibly can if you cannot either change the situation or get out of it by nice legal ways. Most people who do abuse ones in this type of relationship in my contacts with them are cowardly when confronted by a strong person, and that strong person can be F or M.

If one enters a DD relationship with knowing consent then the professionals can take their advice and jump. There are a lot of happy married couples who have this type of relationship and I would bet the stats would tell us the divorice rate among that group are very low.

Interesting article and information that is vital for one considering entering into a relationship if they are not sure what things are all about.

Ignorance is bliss . . . and there are a lot of very happy people in the world. As I read I could not help but think of an analogy: competitive sports. Especially in America, football, where men young and old put themselves completely at the direction and discipline of a male coach. They have an elaborate set of team and individual rules and breaking a rule brings inevitable punishment. That may be running the stadium steps, extra reps in the weight room, suspension from practice, or any of a hundred other punishments including in some cases, whacks with the paddle. All to create the discipline the athlete believes he needs imposed from the outside to be the best possible. For this scenario everyone applauds and sees how sensible it is. Do that in a personal relationship in the privacy of your own home and you need a medical professional to help you. Right.

I am glad that his lifestyle works for you in your family. It is not for everyone. I did some research on this when I was considering volunteering at a women's shelter. Having read blogs and articles on DD on the web, the arrogance is not just outside the DD community but within. When a challenge on one blog is to tell your friends (who you believe could use DD in their marriage) about it and convince them to practice...I believe that is presumptive and intrusive. However...while this lifestyle would not work for me, I believe everyone has a right to life their private life as they see fit for their situation.

I do not believe domestic discipline is abuse. Wives do get naughty, and when those times do occur, a husband has a right and duty to pull down her bloomer's and spank her bare bottom. Depending on her offence, these implements, may be used on her naked derriere. Hand, paddle, hairbrush, birchrod, or cane.

I read the article with interest, noting that there is a perception out there that domestic discipline involves a man as HOH disciplining his errant wife. also she wrote that she read that if she was in such a relationship to get in touch with a counsellor regarding the abuse.
My relationship with my mama is one of loving domestic discipline. It has evolved over the last 36 years ever since we got married in 1976. I was a typical man, never grew up but because society said that as the man I was the HOH I became the HOH. A role I failed miserably in. Because of my career mama had to become the disciplinarian in the home, I was away at sea all the time. After I left the Navy I immersed my self in my job so although I was at "Home" I wasn't.
Little by little her natural dominant side grew while my submissive side flourished until our roles were effectively reversed.
It wasn't until I suffered a mild heart attack and landed in ICU where my friend Eva spanked me, unleashing all my long suppressed desires.
I realised I wanted nothing more than to have mama take total control in the house hold. She always told her friends she had four kids in the house, when it was pointed out we had three children she said, you forget I also have Mario. As the years passed mama has not only become my best friend she is my guide, my conscience, my mentor, my wife my all. I am loved, I get disciplined when I step out of line, I also get praised when I have done something noteworthy. I am 110% totally and utterly dependant on her.

Her workmates used to say she is spoiled because I do spoil her when I can. I must be under her thumb, they say I must be abused, the only time I am abused is when my Aunties take me over their knee and exact retribution for my naughtiness in the form of a hair brush applied long and hard to my bare bottom until I sob and cry like a baby, promising exemplary behaviour which they lovingly pretend to believe I will carry out knowing I will soon end up in the same position in a few weeks, maybe a month at the latest.

Mario

IMHO there's a difference between a domestic discipline (DD) relationship and a dominant/submissive (D/s) one, I perceive that the disciplined partner in a DD relationship (whether male-led or female-led) may be accountable to the disciplinary one for his/her behavior (and therefore subject to being punished for misconduct), but he/she isn't necessarily dominated in his/her everyday life as would be pretty much true in a D/s situation.

AFAIC the underlying factor in a DD relationship, regardless of gender orientation (M/F, F/M, F/F or M/M) is that consent is freely given and remains so. In times past (and even today in numerous parts of the world), women were considered little better than servants to their husbands, but many of them unhappily accepted that status as inevitable rather than freely consenting to it--because consent implies a viable alternative being available, which to those women it wasn't (or still isn't).

Rigid, domineering paternalism may work as a story plot device that's titillating to some readers fantasywise, but I'd venture that it's a poor RL lifestyle for its female victims. (The same for enforced maternalism and male victims, although it's much more rare in human society.)

Regardless of its gender orientation, I'd venture that a true DD relationship is loving and nuturing, benefitting both partners.

Abuse and caring (albeit strict) discipline are hardly to be confused, except by those with a personal agenda or an overly simplistic mindset--that's my thinking anyway... --C.K.

We live a Spencer Plan type marriage. She spanks me with a bath brush, and I spank her with a hairbrush. I know the plan says not to use an implement on your wife, but we both agree a hairbrush is appropriate. It is always a real no nonsense spanking that starts bare bottom and hard. The spanking ends a minute or so after we start crying. More if the spanker or spankee feels it is needed. That way we get equal punishment.

We know a couple who will spank both of us if we feel we both are in the wrong. We met at a spanking party in Boston. They know the drill and are more than willing to spank both of us to tears. We do not get to spank them, much to our chagrin.

It is never abusive. They only happen about once a month. We agree a punishment spanking is needed, and have to ask for it. If one of us asks for a punishment spanking when there was not necessarily a reason the other knows about, the same punishment spanking must be given. There are also much less severe spankings given on an impromptu, often fun, basis.

It works well for us.

Thank you - this was forthright and enlightening.

As I understand it, it is usually the woman who wants this kind of relationship and will bring it to the attention of her partner. Why does the mainstream public opinion give us females so little credit as to assert that we are damaged and abused individuals when in fact we are perfectly capable of understanding ourselves and what works for us? If that is DD, so be it, there is probably far less need for therapy, antidepressants and suchlike where needs are met lovingly within a relationship of trust and caring. Alienation and lack of communication can destroy relationships, at least in DD couples really know one another and how to give their partner what they really want.