Great piece, Cara. I like the idea of the word NO in regards to the Veto. If a dominant is wrong let him/her own up to it and say so, otherwise they are simply a bully no matter what the gender they may be.

I like this, too: People often imagine things they wouldn't want or wouldn't do in real life.

That is so true. Fantasy is a very powerful tool.

B

I was around when modern feminism became popular in the 1960's. It was called women's liberation then.

Although I always supported equality for women I was amused that the feminists wanted women to be free of male dominance but then insisted that all women do things their way. They branded women who liked the traditional roles as traitors to their sex. To me all that was doing was substituting one master for another.

I enjoyed your article, Cara and agree with your viewpoint. In our western societies, women do have the right to choose how their household is managed, who stays home with sick children, who works or stays home and I especially agree there is nothing wrong with an erotic spanking.
IC

I guess it's true that in general, women want their men to be strong and protective. To many men, that is also a desirable trait in a woman. And it can go well with the imposition of discipline, including spankings. Just as there many forms of dominance and submission, there are many forms of domestic discipline.

I believe in equality between partners, and that we are all responsible for ourselves. However, my wife for a few years helped me by enforcing rules that were for my own good. It worked beautifully, except that she so disliked punishing me so much that she stopped. We were equals, except in that one respect. Unfortunately, she so disliked punishing me so much that she stopped applying domestic discipline.

I think that's a pity, because I loved her strength and her protectiveness. We're still happy and together, but without DD.

This is always an emotive subject and you handle it very well. I chose a DD style marriage not because I need someone to tell me what to do - just let them try - but because I wanted some security after a chaotic childhood and several destructive relationships and I am glad I did.

Thanks for this article it is most informative.

Thanks for this very rational and clear treatment of the subject, Cara. I don't support the continuation of traditional ideas about male and female roles (though not a few women do), but as you say, we often imagine things we wouldn't do and we're more complex creatures than ideology can convey.

I do think there's a long way still to go before a woman can have an equal chance in a traditionally male role (unless it's spanking) but I also perceive an element of have-your-cake-and-eat-it in some feminism. Any suggestion that men are hard-wired on average to handle some things better than women is sexism, but the world would be a better place if more women were in charge because of certain feminine virtues of caring etc. Men are violent and women aren't and war is a male invention, but there should be more women in the armed forces...

Cara, I fully agree with you that the heart of feminism is to give free choice to women and that includes the sexual self-determination. But self-determination and the right to have a veto only works if women are financially independent. Even if a couple decides with consent that she stays at home and support his career, she may loose her egalitarian status at future decisions and that makes it hard for women to use the veto, especially if there are children to support. So every woman who choose a DD-relationship with or without spanking should at least make sure that she can always leave her partner and live independently. That’s unfortunately an issue submissive women tend to ignore at the beginning of a partnership and which can turn the formerly loving DD-relationship into a nightmare.

Everyone gave such thoughtful comments. Thanks you.

Mati, you raised an important issue -- financial independence. It's not black and white . Being financially dependent on a man can come back and bite you in the butt -- and not in a good way. It's a risk any woman takes when she chooses to stay at home. Even if a relationship isn't abusive, many marriages do lead to divorce and if a woman has not been employed, she's at a disadvantage. A woman should always know the ins and outs of the family financial status, have a voice in the finances, and ensure that if something does happen, she has the skills to earn a living. This is kind of off the topic, but it is important.

Thank you for a very sensible, clear exposition of this fascinating issue - thankfully, most of us have moved beyond simplistic definitions and expectations, and freedom of choice is the watchword, though Mati's point about some of the hidden obstacles to that is a telling one.