The Library of Spanking Fiction: Wellred Weekly


Wellred Weekly
Volume 2, Number 1 : March 21, 2013
 
Articles
Items of interest regarding all things spanking

My Experience of 'Coming out'
by Fiona Blue

Coming out - just the words can be charged with emotion. The experience can be frightening or liberating, but often a bit of both. This is true no matter what aspect of one's identity is being revealed. The most common use of the term applies to sexual orientation, but nowadays, coming out can refer to anything seen as unpopular or beyond the norm: alcoholism, smoking, religious persuasion, political leaning, any number of things. This article focuses on coming out as a spanko - or, more accurately, being outed as a spanko - and some of the repercussions.

There can be as many different reactions and levels of acceptance as there are people and situations, so I am relying on my own experiences. As a bit of background, I am now divorced, but was married for over twenty years to the most upstanding, moral, and repressed man on Earth. My children are grown and out on their own.

I fully embraced the fact that I was a spanko relatively recently, only within the last few years. The only people who knew were a very close friend and then my husband, who let the cat out of the bag, not trying to be vindictive (at least I don't think so) but as a way of dealing with his own confusion.

Family
My marriage certainly wasn't a perfect one. (Is there such a thing?) It was, in some ways, dysfunctional, but I would probably still be married today if I had kept quiet about this. After I discovered the strength of my desire to be spanked, I tried to share it with him for two reasons. First, I thought it might help our relationship, might bring us closer. And second, I did not feel that it was right to keep it a secret from him.

I started by asking him to watch Secretary with me, then tried to discuss it. He found it disgusting and said that any woman who wanted to be treated that way was disgusting as well. When I told him that I identified with the character, he said he didn't know me anymore. He had no interest in trying it, even to make me happy.

He began to sneer, make snide remarks and cruel jokes, accuse me of affairs, and generally make life miserable. The level of mutual trust and respect dwindled to almost nothing. He confided in everyone who would listen, putting his own spin on it and trying to find someone to explain it to him, but of course, no one could. He was not prepared to accept any explanation. He finally decided he couldn't live with me anymore and filed for divorce.

One of my children became upset after a visit from his dad and cut off communication with me for a long while. I have no way of knowing exactly what, or how much, he was told, but at times he has expressed utter contempt for me. There is hope now, and I pray that he is coming around.

Friends and Acquaintances
After my ex's polling of our mutual friends, most became scarce. In fact, of all the people we knew together, only a couple remain who will talk with me beyond a perfunctory greeting. Naturally, just being divorced can make some people take sides, so I'm sure his revelation wasn't the deciding factor for all of them. I do know, however, that it was for some.

Friends and acquaintances have tended to fall into one of four groups: those who want to judge me, those who are accepting but distant, those who want to save me, and those who support me.

Interestingly enough, those who have been most judgmental are also the ones who have stretched the truth and manufactured outright lies. At least two of them blocked me from a certain social network - no big loss. But one particularly venomous woman persuaded my oldest friend, someone I knew since childhood and thought of as a sister, to entertain people at a party with salacious, and totally untrue, tales about all my perceived perversions, including supposedly publishing nude S&M-type photos of myself online. Anyone who knows me, knows that is preposterous! I was shocked and hurt by this betrayal more than anything else.

Some refuse to believe what they have been told, and some adopt a live-and-let-live attitude. Two people who attended that party, one a man and the other a woman, told me they refused to listen but that it wouldn't have mattered to them even if it had been true. They are the ones who made me aware of the incident. I am very thankful for them. Most who adopt this attitude, however, just don't care. And that is okay, too.

Then there are those who believe that I am a mission field. One of my very sweet, and well-meaning, former co-workers repeatedly invites me to church now. This isn't a bad thing, but she never did it before, and she is not someone to whom I have been particularly close. I'm sure it is unintentional, but I get that condescending vibe from her. And my ex is still trying to persuade me to seek counseling to find out what is wrong with me and get myself straightened out.

Not surprisingly, the smallest group consists of the genuine friends who know about my proclivity for spankings and still accept me at face value. I can count those people on one hand with fingers left over, but I know that they love me and that I have their support no matter what.

Employment
I don't personally have experience with this issue as it relates to an employer, as I work privately. But in talking with someone who elected to come out at work, I learned that two of the most important considerations are the type of job and the employer's anti-discrimination policy. The general workplace atmosphere - whether it is informal or rigid, easy-going or stilted, accepting or vindictive - is also key. Of course, if outed by someone else, there isn't any choice but to deal with the situation as it presents itself.

Isolation and Depression
Isolation and depression form a vicious cycle, each feeding off the other. Everyone needs someone to confide in, especially when dealing with stress. The sense of isolation when there is no one to listen or it seems that no one understands, and the resulting depression, are the greatest dangers of any major life change, especially one so delicate as revealing this sort of deeply held secret. Even with a support system, is is very easy to slip into bouts of loneliness and depression.

According to Sr. Stephen Llardi, Ph.D., author of The Depression Cure, citing a study performed by Duke University:

"Remarkably, 25% of Americans have no meaningful social support at all - not a single person they can confide in. And over half of all Americans report having no close confidants or friends outside their immediate family."

This is a sad and surprising statistic. There are many reasons for social isolation and lack of meaningful relationships, and countless books and articles on how to remedy the situation, but that is beyond the scope of this article.

Conclusion
Am I sorry things unfolded as they did for me? No. Even had I been able to foresee what would happen, I think I would have still tried to broach the subject at home. While I wouldn't likely have confided in others, it is freeing to know that I needn't worry now if someone should find out. I discovered that I am strong enough to handle the rejection of narrow-minded people. I learned who my real friends are, and just as important, who are not. And, in many ways, I am happier than ever.
 
50 comments:
gail said...
Fi - this is a heart rending story. Your ability to lay it out like this is amazing; I think it is a cautionary tale to those who are blase about coming out and counsel 'openess and full disclosure' without really understanding the intimate dynamics of the relationship.

Writing is calibrated and deliberate in this article; such clarity when there is so much emotion involved is exceptional.

21 March 2013 21:35
AlanBarr said...
Your frank, honest account made a deep impression on me, and I am full of admiration for the way you have survived such a difficult time. I once came close to "coming out" voluntarily, but then lost my nerve at the last moment. Perhaps it was for the best.
22 March 2013 02:02
Februs said...
Thanks for having the courage to write this very personal account. I think it's very easy to get lulled into a false sense of security when you spend time on sites such as the LSF, where the general attitude is one of acceptance. There are for whatever reason, however, no shortage of small-minded and bigoted people out there who will see the whole spanking thing in a very negative light. I also don't think films such as Secretary help the cause any with its allusions to mental illness. I'm not sure everyone would see things this way but I think outcomes such as the one you described can ultimately be seen as beneficial in that you now know for sure who your real friends are and you no longer have the burden of keeping your kink a secret.
22 March 2013 03:57
jools said...
Fi, your courageously honest article brought tears to my eyes. The few people who know that I am a spanko (some found out accidentally upon viewing my computer and others through directly asking me) have never ridiculed or isolated me. Most were surprisingly interested to know more (those that asked); or politely said nothing (those who accidentally caught me out on the LSF). Perhaps I have Shades of Grey to thank for that as it did open peoples eyes to different kinks!!!
I am glad you have now found the very supportive community here, Fi..It is always important to feel comfortable in one's own skin, and if people don't accept people for who they are, they are not genuine people at all!
22 March 2013 07:08
norah said...
Fi,… I am in awe, of your courage to stand up for your convictions…. Just know you do have friends here
22 March 2013 15:05
PinkAngel said...
A very courageous and honest article, thank you. I am actually really sorry for how it worked out for you although I can see that you had to be honest and open with your husband. I too 'came out' to my husband and it worked really well and in fact I sometimes think he is more into it than I am - although health problems don't help me. It goes to show what a risk we take in such things. I don't have any friends close enough to confide in, I don't think I ever would but I do think it was wrong that your husband told other people, no matter why.

Good for you for being strong and dealing with everything thrown at you. Much respect from me and thank you for sharing!
22 March 2013 19:45
canadianspankee said...
It is truly sad how some people treat others just because that one does not fit what society in their area of the world calls normal. For the life of me, I have no idea what 'normal' is in any part of the world.

We all talk of discrimination due to colour/race/religion but most pay no attention to the type of discrimination suffered by this author. I have to agree with others when an person has to deal with things themselves, it generally makes them stronger, however that does not excuse the world from such treatment in the first place.

I truly hope this site can let you know that there are many people with the same feelings and emotions in the world, and you are never alone. May you have the strength you need to continue and hopefully one day find a soul mate to increase the happiness in your world far beyond your wildest dreams
23 March 2013 04:22
Goodgulf said...
Richard Feynman's last book was entitled "What Do You Care What Other People Think". It was phrase used by several people in his life - including his first wife who he married when she was terminally ill.

Feynman was a Nobel Prize winning physicist , the youngest person to work on the Manhattan Project, and one of the first of that group to start a campaign for peace. During the late 40s and 50s he was known to visit strip clubs. When a zoning board tried to close those clubs, Feynman was the only customer who showed up at the hearings to testify in favour of those bars.

Today, he's the subject of comics like this one:
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2895#comic

I wish I could live by the model "What Do You Care What Other People Think" but I can't. Which is why the email address linking here is a Hushmail one - but I envy the bravery of those who walk into the light saying "Yeah, I'm into spanking, so what?".
23 March 2013 05:44
njrick said...
Let me join the chorus of those applauding your courage (and grace) in making your way through the events you describe. There are a number of people who, via one means or another, know at least a bit about my kink, and fortunately, none have ostracized me. That may be, however, because they don't know the depth and degree, which I have disclosed to a very few. My ex-wife learning about it (beyond the slight bit I had offered up to her, with her having no interest) helped drive the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. I am now dating a woman who, though a vanilla herself, is accepting and willing to explore a little. So my path has been much easier than yours. Good luck in finding all that you may be looking for, now that yo're on the "other side" of the coming out experience.
23 March 2013 06:41
kunanative said...
Thank you such a thoughtful, insightful, revelation of the pitfalls that are possible when "outed". There are so many times that I have wished I could be more honest with my friends and family about my desires, but I fear I would face similar reactions. It's funny, I had to take a polygraph for a job one time and was "forced" to out myself to the persons doing the test. We later became good friends, but he has never mentioned anything that was revealed in the test to me, or anyone else. I always wondered what would happen if the "word" got out.
Won't tell you that you have friends here, you already know that.
23 March 2013 15:08
islandcarol said...
I am stunned that the man who professed to love, honor and cherish you would treat you so callously. I prefer to believe that one day he will account for his hateful behavior. He is thoughtless, cruel and unworthy of you. You must have been shocked and deeply wounded by his treatment and are well rid of him.

Many of us take our free society for granted and believe we really do have a right to exercise our choice. Once we step out of the mainstream, the reality of rejection from those who view "different" as threatening rears it's ugly head. I have never figured out why "different" is so threatening. Perhaps it is because we humans have frail egos. Most wish only to "fit in." It is no surprise that too many of us are insecure and afraid to acknowledge our preferences. I sense, Fi that you strong and secure and see him as the unworthy prig he is. A relationship built on lies and secrets can not flourish. It took me many years to convince my vanilla spouse that spanking does not equal spousal abuse and a consensual act between two people is perfectly legitimate. Your perfect partner is out there.
Thank you for sharing this very painful experience. I admire your pluck and courage.
Islandcarol.
24 March 2013 10:46
Wheatwine said...
Fiona, you are a courageous, forgiving person, and your ex-husband was lucky to be married to you. I honestly believe I could say the same thing even if I were not a fellow spanko. It's too bad that your ex doesn't realize that his actions have hurt you more than any spanking could. As for some of your so called friends, they must be truly blind when they condemn you for being into S &M, (which you're not) when their remarks about you are so sadistic. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with being a sadist. But there is a LOT wrong with practicing sadism with some one who doesn't consent to it. I wouldn't give a spanking to someone who didn't consent to it. If I did, I could possibly spend some time in jail. Certainly, there's no way I could receive a spanking from someone who didn't consent to it. But people hurt other people emotionally with their words every day. Sometimes they even lie to do it, and this is perfectly acceptable to society. Thanks for sharing this very person account, and I wish you good things in your future. I've worked as a professional counselor in the past, and if you ever need a cyber-listener, send me a message, and I'll send you my e-mail. I won't try to straighten you out or "cure" you, but I'll try to help you deal with some of the things life, and people have thrown at you.
Tom
24 March 2013 14:25
mobile_carrot said...
Thank you Fiona for posting this. I belong to a church which wouldn't kick anyone out for being kinky (in fact it's quite hard to get kicked out) but a lot of kinksters in churches especially in America aren't so lucky and are living in constant fear of being "outed". Sad, sad, sad, and evidence of much hypocrisy when being cruel and vindictive are seen as perfectly normal and even "spiritual".

People in the "scene" are generally much kinder and open-minded I have to say.
24 March 2013 15:28
Guy said...
By all means, thank you for posting this! Writing this must have been difficult for you, but perhaps it also helped you to accept these unfortunate and unfair events and then perhaps to put them behind you.

I doubt if it helps, but much of what happened to you is common in any divorce, regardless of the issues that triggered it. Especially this part:
"After my ex's polling of our mutual friends, most became scarce. In fact, of all the people we knew together, only a couple remain who will talk with me..."

I've never been divorced, but enough of my friends have been over the years that I sadly recognize that effect. Willingly or not, in the process after a divorce the friends get divided up right along with the rest of the couple's "property". More than once, I've tried to stay friendly with both parties after a divorce and have never once made it work.

Whatever it takes, I hope you find happiness.
24 March 2013 19:59
bendover said...
What courage it took for you to come out with this, Fiona. How very sad that someone who is supposed to love and cherish as in marital vows would form a lynch mob with his own family and circle of friends. How narrow minded can someone be?

I hope things turned out better for you after all this, I venture to say, embarrassing time in your life. You know now that there are hundreds even thousands who share your love for TTWD.

Find happiness with all of us here, Fiona. We're your friends, and we're your LSF family if you so desire.

Pat
26 March 2013 18:00
mati said...
I think the reaction of your former husband is quite strange. Maybe he was just glad to find any reason to blame you for the problems in your marriage. The worst thing for me is that he influenced your children and I hope the relation to your child gets better as time passes by. It's an interesting article and I thought a lot about it. I think I'm not yet brave enough to talk about my kink to anyone outside the spanko-community and particularly not to family-members.
26 March 2013 18:57
TheEnglishMaster said...
Thanks, FB, for this brave and honest account of your experiences. It's quite shocking to me to hear of so many judgemental and hypocritical people and so few with the ability to accept you as you are, but I'm glad you had/have at least those 3 or 4 sane ones, and I wish you a growing circle of understanding and loving friends in daily reality as well as here (where you know we are) in the months and years to come.
27 March 2013 22:52
Dormouse49 said...
I must echo all the comments made for your bravery and honesty in coming out about how you felt...sorry...feel. As much as I'd like to be the next to say I'm shocked by the reactions you received, I can't. I have been through a similar experience, though as a man and not to come clean to a partner or a wife. For me my interest in spanking started at about 10 years old and has dominated my life, to the extent I have never had a relationship with any woman because I've been afraid to reveal my thoughts. To this end I am ever more in awe of your courage when you had so much to lose. In fairly recent years I finally confessed to those I considered my friends and saw them melt away as a result. Not one stood by me in any way. So now I have, literally, no friends on this earth - I do not exaggerate - and only places like this to come to and be accepted for who I am. Sometimes I wish I'd not said what I did to those people but at least now I know they were never really my friends. I'm sorry your marriage suffered but I hope you have come out of it stronger and I wish you all the best.
29 March 2013 19:20
ordalie said...
Fiona, I was so much shocked by the consequences of your coming out that I needed a few days to simmer down...
So now, after reading your article once again I can say what I admire most is your inexpressive rendering of what must have been a very hard time indeed.
You say your ex-husband was upstanding. Well, "snide remarks and cruel jokes" don't fill that bill, not to mention estranging you purposefully from one of your children, that's a despicable thing to do!
Some friends of yours might have been induced to search the net, they'd have found a lot of sites telling them you were nor alone, apparently they didn't!

You can't rely on your husband to help you out of a stressing situation, They just don't want to hear or to listen to you, they absolutely don't care, that's my experience.

What good are husbands for, I still wonder...Apart from having a live-in housemaid.
I do feel so sorry for you, and I wish you well, hoping that child of yours will see you're not a despicable mother at long last.


31 March 2013 10:25
Seegee said...
Fi, you're a brave person to do this. The only person I've ever come out to in r/l as such is my wife, and I did so before we were married. I met a lady online who didn't tell her husband about her interest until their wedding night and he simply didn't understand, I didn't want to make that mistake. My wife not only understood, she kind of likes it, although she doesn't have any real interest in reading or writing stories about it. I think I'm lucky in that I found someone who did 'get' it to an extent.
1 April 2013 00:36
Mdare said...
Surprising to be reminded that there are still people out there who are capable of being shocked by something as innocuous as consensual spanking. You quite rightly understand that it is your ex-husband who has the hang-up here. In fact, he may be the one most to be pitied in this story, since you've gained freedom of expression, while he's still a prisoner in the windowless cell of his own making. And even if you're in a backward small town or narrow-minded social circle, you're also a citizen of a much bigger world where you have the support of a smarter, more empathetic community and people do not recoil in horror at the thought of sexual exploration beyond the missionary position.

Michael
1 April 2013 08:16
Linda said...
I can only echo previous comments regarding your honesty and courage. This is a heart-breaking article, revealing. as it does, the hypocrisy and narrow-mindedness of some people. I wish you joy in whatever your future brings.
3 April 2013 00:57
corncrake said...
Thank you for the sheer honesty and the total frankness of the language in which you recount your recent experiences. I did reach the end of your account horrified, but sadly not surprised, at the very few individuals prepared to align themselves with you. In my mind, the cruellest action was that taken by the man to whom you were married in choosing to take it on himself.to inform your child - quite horrifying. But he is ever the loser and you still have a relationship with your son on which you can build.
You are a brave woman, Fiona, and I wish you well.
Valerie.
3 April 2013 17:07
dweebdotcom said...
Fiona you poor thing. I only had to read the first few paragraphs before I was compelled to comment. The best thing you could have done was find this site and talk with us like minded individuals :) Positive reinforcement is so crucial in this kind of situation.With all due respect to you Fiona, your ex husband was extremly cruel and incosiderate and there is absolutly no excuse for his behavior. I remember how difficult it was for me to share with my first girlfriend. I was 20 and she was 19. Fortunatly after (As she described it) pulling nails she just smiled and said is that all. What she didn't understand was my absolute obsession with spanking. That wasn't what broke us up but she did think I was getting a little single minded about it. Anyways I'm glad you found a group like this to give you peace of mind and allow you to be your self and know you are ok. Now that i've said my piece I can finish your couragous testimonial. Fiona you're Awesome
3 April 2013 23:02
barretthunter said...
This is a sad story, though evidently not without hope thanks to your courage. In a way what depresses me most is that many supposed friends took whatever your ex said as truth without considering that he might be lying, biased or at least viewing things from his perspective, which gave a misleading picture. Even when a good friend of mine talked to me confidentially about a crisis in his marriage, though I knew him to be extremely truthful, I remembered that if I also knew how things looked to his wife, I might get a different (but not completely different) picture.
10 April 2013 08:45
Janine said...
Wow...no one deserves that kind of treatment and reaction. The optimist in me believes that your situation is NOT the typical one for most spankos, at least in their intimate relationships. From my own personal experience I can tell you I received a very positive reaction when I finally "came out" to my spouse, and it has only improved things between us. I am lucky in that regard.

Your ex is clearly the one with the problem! Shame on him for acting that way and poisoning family and friends against you with hate and lies. And it's during tough times that you really do find out who your "true" friends are. I admire your candor in sharing this very personal experience with us and wish you all the luck in moving on and finding happiness.
17 April 2013 23:44
barb said...
I read this and cried like a baby. It is so hard to understand your husband, friends, and even a child turning against you for coming out about being a spanko. I am so sorry that this happened to you, but it seems to me that things are going much better for you now. Hopefully, nothing but good things and happiness will come into your new life. Your ex really over-reacted. I wonder if something else was going on with him. My gosh, the way people reacted, it was almost as if you a had murdered someone! Good luck and my best wishes go with you.
16 May 2013 20:18
JohnCook said...
This is why I don't tell my friends about what I like doing. It's none of their business and I don't need those hypocrites judging me.
16 May 2013 22:37
Biker said...
Like the others, I am aghast at how cruel and judgemental people can be. When I told my wife that getting spanked excites me very much, and I would like her to be strict with me, she tried for a few years, and then gave up. It's not for her, unfortunately. But she was never nasty about it. We're simply not compatible in that way.

Fiona, I admire your honesty, bravery and wisdom. Thanks for writing this. All the best.
24 May 2013 22:46
topper86 said...
A wonderful insight into a touchy topic. You are well rid of the judgemental .
They aren't people you would really want to keep anyway.
This is the best written analysis i have read on coming out. Congratulations on a fine piece of work.
26 May 2013 04:43
flowerchild said...
I am at a loss for words, Fi.
While I had known from our conversations that your husband had been "difficult" I had no idea. This story ripped me apart, and I sit here with tears running down my face as I try to find the words I need.
As I got quite a similar reaction here, I guess I am not as surprised by it as some of the others. My husband announced my preferences at a dinner party of our friends, 14 of us sitting around the table. Fortunately for me, and I realize it even more now that I have read of your friends' reactions, not a single one of them acknowledged that they heard a word he said, ever.
I am also sure that he must still discuss it with a couple his friends, though it is NEVER mentioned between us because there has been a sly remark here and there over time, (one in particular) but on the whole no one has decided that I must be some deviant that should be avoided at all costs, and I'm sorry that people who you considered friends would treat you that way. Especially since its something that's none of their damn business.
Its hard to understand why anyone would do this to someone they had professed to love, especially to the extent that you were exposed to. He might as well have taken out a billboard on the Highway. For what? I admire you courage in writing this, it must have been extremely difficult and I'm glad you have been able to get your life back on track. You're stronger than me.
29 May 2013 13:20
TomHobbes said...
Big thank you for what you have written and a big HUG for you as well. Like the others I have to wonder what is so difficult in understanding the words "love, cherish, and be faithful"? I married a vanilla forty years ago and it has worked out just fine; the spanking is just one aspect of our relationship and we both enjoy it immensely. So, perhaps, the spanking may have been a pretext for something else entirely. Reading your experience brought a parallel to mind of those who are homophobic. The fear lies within, not from without. And his fear/reaction also brings to mind the words "our fate,dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in ourselves." Given your strength, character, and kindness that's a good thing! May you meet and love another who is truly deserving of you.
5 June 2013 20:59
islandcarol said...
I was very moved by your testimony. When one marries and bears a man's children and shares years together, one expects respect and consideration. You did not get that! His job as a husband is to satisfy you. Yours is to satisfy him. If there is a conflict, there needs to be a compromise.

It has always confounded me that oral sex is more respected as a mainstream- despite the chance of contracting an STD, then an over the knee spanking that can be accomplished without exchanging body fluids.

It seems like society shows more respect toward a heroin addict who steals, lies and possibly kills to support his habit than a person who enjoys being spanked in the privacy of their home. Is that not ridiculous? I think when you are young you can't see the future. One is sure one can manage conflicts that may arise. But it doesn't always work out that way.

You are thoughtful, considerate and not only a pleasure to talk to but I'm sure to be with. Thank you for sharing your journey. I'm delighted you found your way to our community.
8 June 2013 02:13
mobile_carrot said...
I move in several communties including church and can categorically say that whilst a certain amount of discretion is needed, I would never be ashamed to admit to belonging to the spanking community, whether real life or online.

One thing stands out for me - despite a few odd characters and disputes, spankos are very rarely cruel and almost always kind. Because what we're doing has risks real cruelty, as opposed to pretend cruelty which can be exciting, can have very serious consequences.

Yesterday I went to a play munch in a town a few miles from where I live for the first time, however the domme who recommended the munch to me, and me to the munch, had broken her wrist! Disaster? Not at all, the dom who leads the munch, rather than strutting around importantly, went out of his way to find someone prepared to give me a seeing-to. I spoke to every person there and had a great time.

However, there is one domme I know who wasn't there, and nobody knew her despite the fact that she lives in the same town. And, on reflection that is because her husband is on a campaign to discredit her and what could be better than to "out" her to the family? Thus she has to travel to non-local events in case she's spotted. Now that is cruelty!
10 June 2013 18:33
mindyh said...
I'm sorry you've to go through this heart-breaking experience. Your ex-husband doesn't deserve your love and honesty. He has failed to love, protect and cherish you. All he did was insult, harm, dishonour and betray you. I'm sorry that some of your friends had turned against you. It's in times like this that we really see who are true friends are.

Thank you for sharing, and know that you've friends here.
16 June 2013 02:09
Malcatraz said...
I was impressed with your bravery. Coming out, either on your own or by someone else, is not easy. I was outed by my ex-wife to my daughters who took great delight in ridiculing me. Like many others, I could never come out at work or church or even in any social circles. At least not voluntarily. I am now married to a wonderful woman who is very vanilla. I am a switch and she will indulge me, but she will only top and I end up topping from the bottom. Kudos to you for your actons and your writing.
8 August 2013 13:50
Anachronist said...
Jillian Keenan recently had an article like this in the New York Times.
2 December 2014 23:31
galt54 said...
Maybe Sweden is a more tolerant society than America (or are you British, Ms. Blue?). I have come out in many of my social circles here in Sweden - and I have never been subjected to any "nastiness". When I tell people, such as workmates, about the fact that I am one of those weirdos who eroticise spanking, the usual reaction is amusement. People perceive the spanking fetish as being funny. "Oh - you *like* spanking? How odd!"

One person who has a bit of a problem with my spanking fetish is my wife. I married her six years ago. And she is strictly a vanilla. She does not condemn me for my fetish - but she has made it clear that there is no way in the world that she will play spanking games with me. She was married to another man before she met me. And she had to divorce that man because he beat her. So, of course, my wife does not want any "hitting" in our marriage (I am a dom, not a sub) - even kind-hearted "hitting".

I am absolutely not ashamed of myself for being a spanko. After all - what harm is there in it! And so what if I am different from the mainstream? Goodgulf tells us in a comment above about a book by Feynman - "What Do You Care What Other People Think". Well, but of course - we should not care much at all about what other people think of us. What matters is what *we* think of ourselves. We should make sure we have a clean conscience. And then it will not matter if other people put us down. My attitude is this - if someone else trashes my name when my name does not deserve to be trashed, that just goes to show that said person is a *dummy*. And why should I care what *dumb* people think about me.

A sense of humor helps to deal with problems such as social dissapproval. I have a sense of humor and I like other people who also have a sense of humor. Sometimes I tell my wife - as a joke - "Honey, I think that you need a little spanking right now!" What is her reaction? She snarls at me "Henrik, I will fetch the scissors and cut that thing off!" I love my wife´s sense of humor (I sure *hope* that she is joking!).
28 July 2015 02:17
bearbottom0228 said...
Just want to add my expression of admiration for your courage and character. The people who have acted so harshly towards you are beneath contempt.
7 August 2015 21:57
RosieCheeks said...
Late to the party, however, i was told a quote a while back when coming to terms with aspects of my life:
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

In reality it's not that simple, but at end of the day it is true.

Well done for posting, it highlights poignant issues and it showed the darker side of some folk, but likewise it showed the strength of yourself, may your happiness grow.
17 August 2015 01:21
Often123 said...
Dear Fiona, I just came upon this and my heart goes out to you. I'm glad you have managed to move forward.
It's pretty sad we are in a society where one can come out as anything but a spanko.
Over 3 decades ago a lady & I were getting close and I decided to come out to her about my kinks up front, before we got heavily involved. To my surprise she somewhat accepted it though didn't really understand it then, Frankly she was afraid I was going to say I was gay, which of course, I'm not. We dated for some time.
Fast forward many years. We got back together and discussed these things in depth and shared things online. I think we were both surprised that she not only accepted them again, but embraced them.
25 August 2015 07:57
hairbrushedhubby said...
It took me a long long time to come out to my wife who was extremely vanilla but now am so glad I did, it took just as long to convince her to spank me even playfully, but through our love for each other, all's well that ends well.
Mind you, none of our families or friends know about this, that would be too embarrassing for either of us.
26 August 2015 22:33
bunwarmer36 said...
Man, don't I relate in many ways to this.
31 August 2015 22:59
roos1994 said...
Coming out is very hard.. I love your courage!
24 September 2015 13:39
topper86 said...
Your courage in having the nerve to write this i fantastic.
What you have described is the hypocrisy of so called friendship.
"I will be your friend as long as you comply with my beliefs, otherwise I'm not a friend".
You have now saved yourself the trouble of having to speak with these bigots.
Your story deserves a medal and i applaud you loudly. Well done.
25 September 2015 16:30
BashfulBob said...
Hi Fi, I was so sad to read this. I know from elsewhere you are a good person and certainly do not deserve this. Also if he is even half the a**hole that he would seem to be, he does not deserve you. Whatever his own views about your desires may have been, he only let himself down trying to turn friends and family against you. I hope that you can move on and find someone a bit more deserving.
7 October 2015 11:14
galt54 said...
People here in Sweden seem to be more laidback and tolerant. Here is what happened when my workmates at my former workplace found out about my kink.

I was sitting next to the machines I work with during the morning coffee break reading a book. The book was "Further Training" by Sarah Veitch. The cover of that paperback featured a drawing of a beautiful, naked woman being belted on her bare bottom by a man. The woman was bending over a desk and her bare bottom was prominent - presented for punishment.

A workmate of mine, Jocke, walked past and became curious. He snatched the book out of my hands and took a look at the cover. When he saw the drawing of a woman being punished with a belt on her bare bottom he laughed and exclaimed "Oh! So you are one of those!" Then he gave me my book back and walked away, chuckling to himself. I continued reading. Two hours later it was time for the lunch break. When I sat down in the lunch room to eat - my workmates all began asking me questions about my kink. That jerk, Jocke - he had evidently walked around the factory after he found out about my kink and told *everyone*. So now the whole factory knew about it!

Well, I decided to make the most of it. So I answered my workmates´ questions and began cracking jokes which involved spanking. After a while a few of my workmates warned me to take it easy. They told me that I might get myself into trouble with the rules against sexual harassment! About half of the employees at the factory are women - and I had not realized that some of them might be disturbed by my jokes about spanking. So I got a grip on myself and ceased talking and joking so much about spanking.

But after that I never had any trouble with my workmates concerning my spanking fetish. They just thought that it was amusing.
23 October 2015 18:53
curioserto said...
Thanks for writing your story. It is sad but, as other have said, you have been very brave and strong over what have happened.

I have come out as a spanko to a number of friends and have been much more lucky in their responses. The subject also came up with my ex-wife unexpectedly and she was surprised and amused. Altogether, it was a lot harder than coming out as bisexual to my ex-wife, children and friends which says a lot about social mores,

I hope particularly that there is no lasting damage in your relationships with your children. It is two years since your post so I can only hope the impact of your ex-husband has diminished.
5 November 2015 17:53
nowings said...
I have come to read this long after the fact of the event but the feelings on this subject continue for all of us. It is hard to discern from what you say Fiona ( wonderful name!!) just how much you told your husband at the time about your proclivities for spanking but, the fact that he violated your trust by divulging your truth to others, without your consent is , quite simply, unforgivable - period. I am try sorry but very happy he is gone.As for children they are what they are - they have a life of there own and the sooner after 18 they figure that out the better. Regarding the spanking revelation - we are talking about spanking - playing as adults - being erotic - I can't imagine your ex was much in bed to start with given that slap and tickle i really fun. However, revealing that you are a true spanko is a tricky thing out there in the big world. I told my second wife of my interest in being spanked by a women - which gosh - imagine - stems from the only safe palace I had as a kid - and this supposedly very open minded lady said what??? You like that??? Well guess what - I went underground and for the next 20 years did not mention it - stupid of me but there you have it. I am not religious at all - lost all of that in tradagy of young pointless death in my Med Evac Army Unite in 1969 - but I do like the line form the bible " Judge not lest ye be judged" … take heed oh non believers. Everyone has kinks - being too vanilla is a big kink - so I just move away from those who judge. You are brave Fiona - hope you are still at it and thank goodness for the LSF site - a port in the storm where the like minded of us can swap stories and be themselves. For me I no longer hide who I am at all - I like a good spanking - reduces stress - makes me feel alive and erotic in all the right way and releases my inner Viking - go figure ….Take good care and keep on spanking and being spanked...
22 November 2015 20:06
chicagodutch said...
"The Spanking fetish is a very innocent fetish" , is what my experienced disciplinarian once told me. In the mind of a Spanko it is normal behaviour.
Personally, I have tried to tell my wife about my desire to receive a spanking, but there was hardly a hint of an accepting response and it never became. Over time I understood that I could not further pursue with her.
Occasionally I visit a professional female disciplinarian for a much wanted discipline session.
Fiona, I have read your story and like all others want to express my admiration for your courage.
Best wishes,

8 April 2016 21:21

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