The Library of Spanking Fiction: Wellred Weekly
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Articles
Items of interest regarding all things spanking
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Therapy? (cont.) Of course, the daddy-girl relationships are not the only ones with a permanent power dynamics. Forms of relationships which seem to be much more uncommon among our local friends, but about which I've read a lot in the online community are HOH (head of household), FLR (female led relationship) and 24/7 master-slave relationships. I don't have as much knowledge about the background of the people involved in these kinds of relationships, but what strikes me is that the submissives often describe certain similar-sounding needs. Those are: the need for leadership in their lives, the need to be given rules and to be held accountable, the need to be helped with improving their behaviour and with getting rid of bad habits as well as the desire of being released from feelings of guilt when they don't manage to live up to their own expectations. What I've heard quite often as well is the wish to please their partner in return. I've read much less from people who are in charge in such a relationship, but it seems to me that what they seek often is caring for and helping another person, but also obedient behaviour and submission from their partner. So, it seems to me that the power dynamics in these kinds of relationships are quite similar to the one in daddy-girl relationships. The next question then is in how far being in a relationship with a unidirectional power dynamics can successfully address the needs that are often mentioned by those involved? In my opinion that depends on how the dynamics is used by the participants. If "girls" / "boys" / submissives use the relationship to grow from it and to build up self-confidence through the knowledge that they have a daddy / mummy / master / mistress or HOH who loves and bolsters them, I consider that to be a good thing. And if the top gets something out of helping her or his partner to grow, I think that's a good thing as well. There is another possible way of using that kind of power dynamics, though, and that is the form that comes close to something I have seen in the vanilla world and feel highly uncomfortable with. What I'm talking about is the combination of a bottom who doesn't want to grow up at all and a top who doesn't want a grown-up, equal partner, either. To my mind, this form of relationship is very unhealthy and can lead to quite horrible situations similar to the ones I've seen in my parents' and grandparents' generations, where one partner (usually the woman) completely depended on the other (usually the man) and was completely helpless in case something bad happened to that partner or in case the relationship went into a bad direction. I don't think that the majority of the kinky relationships with a unidirectional power dynamics are of the second kind, though. Still, in my opinion the risk is there, and I've come across some descriptions about endless repetitions of the same potentially harmful behaviour by some submissives which they pretend to want to get rid of with the help of their dominant partner. Of course, I'm only talking about my personal opinion towards certain aspects here and the question of how I evaluate a certain way of life. Growth and self-reliance are very important to me (for me, they are essential parts of life as a responsible adult) and I prefer to be among people who stand up for themselves. But others might have very different needs than I have and everyone is of course entitled to their own lifestyle! However someone chooses to live their life or not, and regardless of how happy or unhappy it makes them or how well it works or doesn't work for them - it is their own decision and I wouldn't want to tell anyone how to live their life as long as their choices don't affect me. That being said, I do take the freedom to voice critical thoughts about possible pros and cons of different lifestyles, in a careful and respectful way. The topic of relationships with a unidirectional power dynamics especially interested me because I hadn't seen any critical discussions about the pros and cons before. Instead, it often seemed to me that this type of dynamic was seen as a kind of holy grail among many kinksters. When I wrote about the topic on Ludwig's and my blog, though, some public and also private feedback showed that there seem to be more people who have made experiences with relationships of this form which they found problematic. But there were some who would rather talk about it in private than in public. Obviously, there is a fear of generalising and of hurting people when talking openly about this subject. But while I absolutely agree that one must be careful not to make generalisations and not to judge others based on isolated experiences or mere gut feelings (this isn't about judging people, it's a critical discussion about lifestyle choices, anyway), I find it a bit sad that a completely open and honest discussion about this topic doesn't seem to be possible in our community. I am aware that especially the question of kink and health is a sensitive question, but from my point of view it is also a necessary and important one. One criticism that came up when I first wrote about the topic on Ludwig's and my blog was that one couldn't make any assumptions about how kink works for others and about the healthiness of certain lifestyle choices. I think that one can make assumptions about what might or might not be healthy and under which circumstances, though, especially if these assumptions are based on actual statements of people who have experienced certain situations which they later considered either healthy or unhealthy for themselves. Another question that came up was whether asking such controversial questions might cause prejudices against certain forms of kink or even against fellow kinksters. But, first of all, I have not said anything against fellow kinksters and I would not tell anyone how to live out their kink, either. All I did was discussing lifestyle choices critically which I deem a legitimate thing to do. Secondly, I also don't think that asking questions causes prejudices. Rather, I think that it gives us the chance to diminish them. After all, if different points of view are mentioned openly and honestly, people have a chance to learn about them and to adjust their point of view in case they come across arguments they hadn't thought of. Which finally brings me back to the topic of kink and self-harm. In my original post on our blog, I also mentioned that, in contrast to my vanilla environment, I had come across several examples of people talking about or showing signs of self-harm in the kinky community. I asked the question whether this was just because we are more open about these things in our community than people usually are in our society as a whole or because of some general differences between my vanilla friends and the people I know from the kinky community or whether there might really be some kind of frequent correlation between the two. As I already mentioned, I wasn't sure whether there was any further correlation between self-harm and kink at all. The only idea that I had was that spanking might cause a similar feeling of relief as self-harm does for some people and that it therefore could possibly be used as a healthy substitute for self-harming activities. One comment which I received seemed to support that idea because the commenter pointed out that while from her experience, self-harm and kink were based on very different desires, she could achieve the same kind of high and relaxation from both of them. But two other comments then gave a for me completely unexpected explanation for a possible correlation between kink and self-harm. The first commenter wrote about having used self-harm as a child, when she didn't know how to interpret her erotic masochistic desires, yet. And the second commenter had tried self-harm as a substitute at times when he didn't have the possibility to engage in spanking play with others. Of course, these are just isolated personal experiences which don't allow any general conclusions. But I found these comments very interesting nonetheless. Although I had of course come across the topic of self-spanking, it never occurred to me that some self-harming experiences in the kinky community could be results of attempts to substitute erotic spanking experiences! In my view, the chance of getting new ideas and insights like this one is worth the risk of writing about controversial topics / observations and the questions they raise. So, I hope that you didn't perceive my ideas and questions as judgemental or offensive, but as critical questions born out of a real curiosity about how kink works for others and for myself and about possible positive and negative outcomes of kinky experiences and lifestyles. I would love to hear about your own ideas and experiences! 8 comments:
bendover said...
An interesting topic that sheds a lot of light on various subjects. Very well written and quite educational in many ways. 20 August 2013 18:19
PinkAngel said...
Very interesting to read. As you say there is no way to know exactly how spanking works for individual people. I suspect some people do get into relationships not being quite sure how or why and I can definitely see how ttwd could relate to self-therapy. I have to admit that it has had a great effect on myself and has changed me in certain ways. It makes me and many others happy and fulfilled so long may it live. Great article thank you... 22 August 2013 20:41
mati said...
This is a very interesting essay about so many important issues that my comment could easily grow to the same length as your thought-provoking article. I’m not sure that the comment section is the right place to start into a discussion, maybe the WRW-section on the forum would be a better place for that. So I try to stick to your main question, which I understand to be: “Can a DD kind of relationship work as a therapy? First of all I too think the discussion about the influence of personality traits and sexual preferences shouldn’t be neglected. I did never quite understand why people think that sexual desires are developing independently from the rest of their personality. Even if people don’t want to acknowledge it, I think that a masochistic personality and/or social phobia is highly correlated to masochistic sexual preferences and we find a lot of hints not only in mainstream books and movies, but in the “Scene”-literature as well. Just think of Niki Flynns “Dances with Werewolves” which starts with a citation from Franz Kafka: “My fear is my substance and probably the best part of me”. Or one of my favourite books: “Late Bloomer” from Erica Scott in which she describes the ways she overcame her social phobia. There are many really good stories about this issues in the library too, for example Kimmy’s stories “Discovering Jordie” and “Rob and Sabrina”, “Giulia Gems” from Xana, nearly all stories from Jeanny and many, many more. So to answer your question: First I think that DD and Master/slave relationships are often used as a form of therapy and second I think it’s just as helpful or useless as any other therapy. It depends how much personal traits are tending in the direction of a disorder, but in general people with masochistic patterns are not really good in handling their social life, they are more known to be incapable of choosing loving partners. So most of them are unhappy anyway or have been unhappy many years before they entered the BDSM/Spanko-scene. Founding a DD-relationship means that they finally got aware of their problems and are at least able to get involved in a CARING relationship. That might be the first step in the right direction and still better than living in social isolation. Thanks for raising these questions. 1 September 2013 11:10
supersub said...
Thank you for a wonderfully insightful article. I had previously not considered the dynamics of various spanking relationships. I can only hope that all participants are consensual, realise their lifestyle aims and feel safe and loved! 11 January 2014 11:48
blackbirch said...
This is a very thoughtful article, informed by sound experience and understanding. I cannot bring any of that to my comment, but I wonder if someone with a strong kink (of whatever source) can ever be fully "healthy" unless it is expressed in some satisfying way. I would, at first glance, be suspicious of some of the DD relationships Kealah has discussed so well, but to go further I'd need to understand the personalities and their personal issues. That's asking too much, as I doubt they understand that of themselves. I'll have to think more about this, as I really haven't attended to the question until now. Thanks for the considerable work and thought. It is an important contribution to this site. 23 January 2014 01:10
curioserto said...
Thank you for an interesting article and I understand the risks of expressing views on this subject. My main comment is that I had some mental health issues before I acknowledged my spanko interests and I have used play as therapy. Looking back now, some tops could have taken advantage of my nihilistic tendencies in the early days but I was fortunate to then meet one in particular who taught me a healthy approach to corporal punishment. I don't use play to solve everyday problems but I do use it to feel strong and resolute when things are tough. I am 100% taking responsibility for my life outside of play but wanting to let go of all that when in play. I am intrigued by DD, master and slave etc but have also concluded that this would not be healthy for me to play out 24/7 for any length of time so have never got involved. If it works for others then great. I se fantasy and archetypes but have to consciously move in and out of role. This is my way of protecting my mental health. I do have periods where I want to experience some very dark fantasies and have done very severe sessions. I try and counterbalance this by talking to close confidants about it and this does keep it within bounds, so far. Yes, a stimulating article and I also believe the more people feel able to talk about their motivations and desires then the healthier we become so thanks again. 7 December 2015 14:12
RosieCheeks said...
Spanking in my opinion can be most therapeutic, now that may not be felt by everyone, as there are no psychological 'therapies' that work for all, however we take from the 'therapy' what we need. The 1-1 intimacy can be therapeutic, the giving up of 'power' to the spanker can be also, likewise the spanker being given the control can be therapeutic for them. In mental health care there is a self help therapy technique used to cope with negative thoughts etc, which involves wearing a rubber band on wrist and when you experience the negative ideas you 'twang' the band which causes minor discomfort, making the user stop or at least divert the negative thoughts. Is that a kink, no, neither is a tenderised tush, it is a need within some of us that we consent to administer or have administered to us, that makes us feel better in whatever way that we seek. A lot of people join our Nations armed services, now that is a very Dominant - subservient environment, certainly during initial basic training anyway, the recruit complies without question, they can be shouted at, physically intimidated, have to show deference to those who outrank them, and basically become unquestionably obedient, or failure to comply can result in you experiencing all manner of weird and wonderful 'punishments' some official others unofficial. Now are these individuals described as kinky, no they are not, in fact the above is described as character building. Yet some view civilians who wish to lead such a lifestyle in their own homes as kinky, weird etc, which is truly wrong. My lifestyle relationship meets my needs, it can be very challenging in more ways than one, but i feel safe, loved and protected within it. Before i entered into my relationship, i had 'issues' however now those 'issues' are much reduced, so yes it has been most therapeutic. 23 February 2016 01:09
switchablebottom said...
Good article, I agree that spanking can be very therapeutic when practiced between consenting adults, and especially between couples. I have found that spanking brings a couple closer by submitting and trusting being brought into the relationship. I know as well that for me personally, my outlook on life is much improved after suffering a hard spanking. I feel the act teaches me that adversity comes along but you tough it out and overcome it! 12 March 2016 13:23
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