The Library of Spanking Fiction: Wellred Weekly


Wellred Weekly
Volume 1, Number 2 : November 22, 2011
 
Articles
Items of interest regarding all things spanking

On the Record
by Valerie

When I was asked if I might be interested in having a go at reading and recording some of the library's stories, and had had time to recover from the shock, I was cautiously enthusiastic. Perhaps this was something I could do to contribute to the site, being pretty useless at writing the stories in the first place. Nobody was going to see me, I told myself, so I agreed at least to have a shot at it. It was strange, but I decided that nobody could be expected to listen to anyone called 'corncrake' reading, ostensibly for pleasure, so I decided to 'come out' from behind the feathers of my elusive, but noisy, friend and re-assume my ordinary name. Somehow that made me feel better.

As has been my experience at every stage of involvement with the library, poor Februs had the unenviable task of taking me through the initial technical requirements. On this occasion it proved fairly straightforward, although actually managing to hear what I was saying was harder. My laptop’s inbuilt microphone was just not loud enough and picked up any background noise – especially as I do everything at my kitchen table. We had been warned not to rush out and buy a microphone, but I was browsing Amazon (just to see what was available, you understand!) when I spied a set of lightweight headphones with a tiny adjustable microphone on a stalk rather like I imagine are used at Call Centres. I was sure I had seen one somewhere before! Many moons, and one removal, ago I had been given a 'speech recognition' kit, had never used it, and half an hour's rummaging unearthed it, still in its box.

I plugged the jacks into some holes thoughtfully provided on the side of my machine, fired up the software, spoke a few words self-consciously into the microphone and played it back. Clear as a bell! Wow, this was exciting. I then grabbed the nearest book, which happened to be one of my grand-daughter's poetry books, and started reading. I don't imagine many people cut their performing teeth by reciting,

"How do you like to go up in a swing,
Up in the sky so blue?
Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing,
Ever a child can do!"

But when I played it back I could hear it, without any background buzz. I don't care to think how many times I read that poem and many another piece of Robert Louis Stevenson verse besides! That is now specially marked in my file of completed recordings - as my official 'cover' in case a puzzled caller needs an 'explanation' of my new table-top cottage industry. And, quite frankly, a most unconvincing story it makes, too!

This was progress indeed, particularly once I had worked out how to secure my headphones to stop myself from eating the microphone which seemed unerringly to work its way into my mouth.

Of course, this was only the beginning and I found I still had a lot to learn. I think the biggest hurdle for anyone to overcome is hearing – and acknowledging the sound of – one's own voice. I don’t believe that anyone finds this easy but eventually, I promise you, one does become used to it and it stops being a distraction.

One thing I discovered very early on was that, and I am probably in the minority, I found it easier to read from a printed sheet rather than a screen. Too many options were open for pressing the wrong buttons on the various bits of software, so poor flopsy had to supply me with the text file, which I printed out. I was able to mark this, of course, which sometimes helped. But I persuaded myself that my breathing and voice production would be improved anyway if I weren't crouched over the computer.

In the early days I never seemed to be able to read through a story from beginning to end without stammering, mispronouncing something, coughing or at least needing to clear my throat, and so I had to begin all over again. This was when I felt I was in danger of over-working my voice and I admit I even did a few mild voice exercises - not the mother of a pair of choirboys for nothing! But help was at hand.

Some of the larger files (14/15 minutes) were a nightmare as I would manage a clear 12-13 minutes before collapsing defeated in a heap. Nor was I the only one. I heard tell that poor Jools was having a dreadful time stopping her dog from barking - presumably in response to her speaking, as dogs do! Thus it was with some relief that I learned that the ever-resourceful Februs could 'splice' two or more bits of text together, thus avoiding the nasty bits.

The pitfalls of this recording business are legion. Perhaps things wouldn't be so tricky if I didn’t live my life from one end of my kitchen table - but that is unavoidable and definitely not negotiable. This is, after all, the only place where I can be myself! I can, I'll have you know, ring the changes by standing up, raising my head and expanding my diaphragm whilst declaiming to the far corner of the room - provided I don't stray too far from 'base'. No slipping over to the sink for a sip of water, now!

Speaking of sips, Flopsy, obviously trying to dole out a measure of reassurance (or was it a bribe?) one day, had suggested that I'd be able to justify a nightly therapeutic dose of gargle to keep my voice in shape. That was fun, particularly doing the research, which resulted in a resounding 'thumbs up' for the classic whisky mac. I finally realised that the gargling was definitely better done after the recording session. Not so much fun, but infinitely more sensible.

Background noises might have been 'filtered' out, but I soon learned that there were other recurring sounds - some avoidable like the telephone (if I remembered to turn it off and anticipated the very irritating 'warning' noise) but there seemed no way to stop the 'click' when an email chose to arrive, or (until I switched her off) that excessively polite 'pop-up' lady. All in all, preparing for a 'session' was quite demanding for a bear of little brain.

At the height of my activity, and in the summer when there was a lot of coming and going of visitors, I was forced to pen the word 'RECORDING' on a large card and stick it on my back door! It struck me as frightfully self-important and I was a bit ashamed of it. It made not the slightest bit of difference anyway. Everyone seemed to think that it didn't apply to them!

There is a knock at the door. For the third time, I hear my laptop crash to the floor at my heels. The hinges (goodness knows about the innards!) are clearly not enjoying this at all, and I am beginning to see a pattern emerge. It tends to happen when I stand up too quickly in a panic, forgetting that I am wearing headphones attached (surely by means of Superglue?) to my computer.

My unplanned violent movements are usually a reaction to hearing a discordant ring at my doorbell, spying the door handle begin to turn or, rather more alarmingly, seeing a familiar – but, at that moment, decidedly unwelcome - face hoving into view around the corner into the heart of my kitchen. If, perchance, I do remember to 'unplug' myself from the machine before responding to approaching noises, I tend to forget to remove the headphones. Of course it took some time before I connected the strange glances thrown at me with the constriction around my forehead and the dangling leads tangling with my necklace or dipping into my coffee.

Another immediate reaction should be to turn down the volume (if I am replaying a file) but have you ever experienced living through the age which that action takes? And, of course, turning off the power makes no difference to these smug modern machines with their many hours of battery capacity. More than once some poor soul has blundered in on me apparently speaking to and answering myself, which sound I then proceed to try to cover up by shouting at them in an effort to disguise some possibly incriminating text!

It's a noisy place, my kitchen.
 
14 comments:
njrick said...
I'm so glad you persisted, despite all the obstacles. You do a positively wonderful job with your narrations.
22 November 2011 04:46
bendover said...
I agree with, njrick once again. You do a great job. I also like your article because it was the truth be told type thing. Keep up the good work, Val.

B
22 November 2011 06:40
Linda said...
This is hilarious! I can just picture your panic when the minister pops in for tea and scones while you're listening to a spanking story!
22 November 2011 10:36
Hotspur said...
It seems as if you put an awful lot into producing these recordings but I can assure you that it was well worth the effort. Well done!
22 November 2011 11:07
patxi said...
Gargling with a whiskey mac? Yes I take your point: it would be better done after the recording session than before. We don't want a slightly tipsy Valerie on air, do we?
22 November 2011 11:20
WillyNicks said...
What an engaging (and funny!) read. Thank you.

This makes me want to rush off and listen to all your recordings, but for some reason I haven't managed to do that for anybody's narration yet - I don't get any sound - so I can relate to your technical challenges. Of course, being a guy, I'm going to figure this out for myself rather than asking for help. But as soon as I do, a Valerie recording will be at the top of my playlist. ;)

I think one of the challenges of reading aloud is to make your brain work far enough ahead to put the proper emphasis on words in context, or to switch from 'narrator' to 'character'. Do you find it helps to read the story multiple times before you go for a take? On the other hand, I guess being both a parent and grandparent has given you plenty of practice through bedtime stories!
22 November 2011 19:54
TheEnglishMaster said...
Ah! If kitchen tables could talk! You paint a lovely picture of Valeric chaos, out of which, though, have come so many expert and entertaining recordings.
Full marks to you on both counts, Valerie,and thanks.
22 November 2011 22:21
AlanBarr said...
Thanks for a wonderfully entertaining visit to Corncrake Studios, Valerie. Some of the challenges wouldn't have occurred to me, but you've done a great job in spite of them (and the results really do speak for themselves!)
24 November 2011 00:22
KJM said...
What a funny and engaging account, I must thank you for your hard and excellent work. And why do you think you are pretty useless at writing stories?
24 November 2011 02:26
sugarmouse said...
I can totally empathise! Thank you so much for a beautifully thoughtfl and delightfully written account. It takes a lot of courage to read out loud!
26 November 2011 21:13
corncrake said...
Sugarmouse, thank you so much for your generous comments. Yes, it is a bit daunting initially. I'd like to say that I am full of admiration for your really excellent recordings!
27 November 2011 08:51
Mdare said...
I'm behind in my reading as they say, but I wanted to comment, however belatedly, on Valerie's very funny look behind the scenes, as well as on her magnificent audio recordings. I never cease to be amazed and the continuing improvements the Library has been making to an already state-of-the-art site. I admit that I've only been listening to the female-read stories, but I'm astounded at how professional everybody sounds! There's something about the word "bottom," for example, enunciated by a sultry female voice that has an erotic allure all its own. Please keep it up, as it were.
28 December 2011 08:43
Guy said...
I (for one) really appreciate your efforts. In fact, I appreciate them all the more now that I understand the bother that you have gone through to make it happen. You do swallow after gargling...right?
5 February 2012 01:25
islandcarol said...
I have heard your voice CornCrake. Now I know, recording audio stories is a minefield of accidents waiting to occur. Thank you for your lovely service. I am wondering, though; do you have an assortment of instruments you use for sound effects or do you make a human "smack or whap"
IC.
5 February 2012 21:28

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