The Library of Spanking Fiction: Wellred Weekly


Wellred Weekly
Volume 1, Number 11 : October 21, 2012
 
Articles
Items of interest regarding all things spanking

Unfair Punishment Spankings
by Anastasia Vitsky

Recently I have had conversations with several different people about the aftermath of punishment spankings, received within a domestic discipline (DD) relationship in which the head of household (for purposes of this discussion 'head of household' refers to the disciplinarian who may or may not be married to, living with, or in a sexual relationship with the person being punished) has earned trust from the disciplined partner. One of the topics discussed was whether such a spanking could be considered unfair. The fairytale version of a punishment spanking is probably something along these lines:

  • You do something wrong, knowingly or unknowingly.

  • You get spanked for it, willingly or unwillingly.

  • Much crying and 'ouch'-ing later, all is forgiven and restored. Peace reigns.
Afterwards, you go about your daily life feeling happy, secure, protected, and disciplined. Your relationship is closer. You are more relaxed, more peaceful, more at ease with yourself and everyone around you. However, let's now consider another potential scenario:

  • You maybe do something wrong, knowingly or unknowingly. You think that the other person was just as wrong as you, perhaps more so. Or you know you did something wrong but are sure that the other person isn’t understanding the situation. Maybe you broke a rule but there were extenuating circumstances. Or perhaps you think that your partner wasn't clear about expectations.

  • You try to explain. Or argue. Or convince the other person that this is just not going to work. Or you submit to the punishment in body but not in spirit. Or you truly don’t understand (or are not told) why you earned the punishment in the first place. You spin in agony not knowing how to prevent future recurrences.

  • After the spanking, the case is supposed to be closed. Your partner says that it is over. Not for you. You are angry at getting spanked, tearful at needing to be spanked, confused about what you did wrong, defensive/frustrated/unhappy/depressed/needy/withdrawn. You are upset, but you don’t want to get another spanking so you stuff it inside. Or you let it simmer with irritated comments.

  • More than likely, you earn another spanking. Or you withdraw completely (perhaps getting a spanking for that!) and there is distance between you and your partner. The distance might hurt less in the short term, but it will mean a lot of hard, painful (for both of you!) work in the future to restore your relationship balance.

Please forgive me for stating the obvious, but punishments hurt. They are supposed to, otherwise they would be called rewards. An effective punishment is something that you truly hate, do not want to incur again, and jerks you to a quick stop.

Punishments are so powerful that they can have unintended side effects. Resentment, anger, deception, withdrawal, and lowered self-esteem are all issues that may arise after a punishment. We generally like to picture ourselves as capable human beings. A punishment, especially if it is for something that we genuinely did not try to do or genuinely tried to prevent happening, can ignite any or all of these responses.

The wonderful thing about being an adult (rather than a child who screams, "I hate you!" after a punishment) is that we can consciously choose to work on our responses to a punishment. After or during a punishment, if we are angry or resentful etc., we can stop to ask ourselves why. Are we angry at our partner for punishing us? Or are we angry at ourselves for needing to be punished? Are we angry thinking the punishment was unfair? Or are we angry that we did something wrong and needed to be caught?

There is a gentler version of this response, usually for people who want to please, and it goes something like this:
  • You do something wrong, knowingly or unknowingly.

  • You get spanked for it.

  • You are devastated at needing to be spanked, feel horrible about yourself, and lose confidence in your ability to do what you need to do.

  • You give up, consciously or unconsciously, and earn a similar or even the same consequence again.

Accepting discipline, accepting consequences, and accepting responsibility for your actions is never weak. Never. It takes great strength and character to stand in front of someone else (okay, perhaps lie across his or her lap) and say, "What I did was wrong. I am sorry, I accept punishment for it, and I will do my best not to let it happen again. Please help me."

Is it any wonder, therefore, that people who willingly and consciously choose to be in an adult disciplinary relationship tend to be the strongest people around? To be disciplined and punished as a child is one thing but we all know adults who were not disciplined as children and sorely (or un-sorely) needed it, right?

I've focused above on punishments which were considered 'unfair' primarily in the sense of the knee-jerk, angry response that accompanies a great deal of punishments, whether the actual punishment was actually fair or not. However, many truly unfair and downright unjust (as in morally reprehensible) punishment spankings do exist. DD is a great vehicle when used properly but when used badly, it can be little more than a smokescreen for abuse. Yes, I said abuse.

When the person being disciplined claims that a punishment spanking is unfair, this can mean any number of things including:

  • It hurt my bottom and my feelings, and I am upset.

  • You didn't do this in exactly the way (such as using the right implement/position/number of strokes/setting) that would make me happy for exactly the reasons I find acceptable, and I am going to make sure you know of my displeasure.

  • I acknowledge that I broke a rule or did something wrong, but I made an effort not to do so or to complete a requirement. My effort should be good enough, so the punishment is unfair.

  • I am legitimately angry or upset about a certain portion of the issue that got me punished, but I refuse to accept responsibility for my accompanying inappropriate behavior (shouting, throwing a fit, sulking, storming off, refusing to communicate, breaking rules deliberately, etc.).

  • I feel childish or dependent in being made to follow discipline, and I am going to show that I am my own person.

  • My head of household is not punishing me in a way that fits my expectations, so I am angry and confused.

I think it's fair to say that the bulk of DD power struggles fit somewhere within the range of these reasons. Does that mean the head of household is always fair, always correct, always kind, or always in the right? No. But that is why we call it “submission”.

I suggest that the difference between the examples quoted above and a truly unfair punishment spanking is that the latter involves fundamental violations of personal boundaries and dignity. Here are some possible examples:
  • I clearly said that this relationship should remain non-sexual (and no, DD relationships do not all have to be marital or sexual), and the head of household is touching me in sexual ways or repeatedly making sexual overtures/innuendos despite my requests to stop.

  • The head of household repeatedly punishes me in ways that make me feel bad (examples might include name-calling, hair-pulling, face-slapping, public humiliation, or threats of abandonment) and says it is my responsibility to say if I don’t like something.

  • The person being disciplined (yes, they can violate boundaries, too) goads me into punishment but then blames me for doing it. Then he/she criticizes me for what I try to do and insists that I should follow what someone else is doing.

  • The head of household uses DD as a way to make me give up or start something that I find morally, ethically, or personally wrong (such as accepting a relationship with my husband's affair partner).

  • I am in fear of or have experienced physical injury due to the spanking. While everyone’s pain threshold and acceptance of marking differs (some mark at a hand spank and others very little even with a heavy paddle), punishment spankings should inflict the necessary amount of physical pain without causing any damage. Sorry, "But it's going to hurt a lot!" doesn't count. Spankings are supposed to hurt.

  • The head of household chastises/shames me for a violation that I have already been punished for instead of forgiving me for it. (An exception would be to explain why a new rule/restriction is put in place or why permission is being denied for a request.)

  • The head of household does not give me any emotional support (which may or may not include aftercare - lack of aftercare for a punishment is a feature of some DD relationships) or instructions how the person being disciplined can avoid similar punishments in the future. Or the severity of the punishment so far exceeds the original transgression that it inspires terror rather than learning.

There is no universal extensive list of boundary-violating punishments and some people might be fine with one or more of the above examples. Also, no matter how careful or responsible the head of household tries to be, it is possible that the boundaries of the person being disciplined may be violated. "It's not fair" needs to be reserved for situations in which it truly is a game-changing affair. You might remember the story of the little boy who cried wolf...

In short, it is always possible for a punishment spanking to be unfair. If so, it needs to be addressed. But in order to be listened to during this crucial moment when a punishment spanking actually is unfair, the person being disciplined needs to refrain from pulling the fire alarm when someone lights a match.



 
29 comments:
PinkAngel said...
A very interesting article. Being in a DD relationship can be difficult, as I know due to being in one with my husband for the past five years and I guess it can only be as good as the underlying relationship between the couple. I certainly would not be married to someone who abused me verbally or physically, or who undermined my confidence, or manipulated me with threats to leave etc, I would feel sad for anyone who lived like this. Thank you for the thought provoking article.
22 October 2012 12:30
@AuthorJadeCary said...
The push-pull of a DD relationship is fascinating, and all of the issues Ana mentions are real and can be deal breakers, or they can bring a couple closer. Unlike a child being spanked, an adult can put a stop to things any time they want, and that is the rub. To bring yourself to this kind of relationship as a consenting adult without heading for the hills every time discipline comes into play speaks to the strength and the very nature this kind of relationship brings to couples who are committed to living it in it's truest form.

Great article, Ana.

J
22 October 2012 16:30
Alef said...
Thank you for a very thoughtful and thought provoking article. Definitely worth reading not only for those in (or hoping to be in) a DD-relationship, but also for us who try to write about them.
22 October 2012 19:21
lea27f said...
This is a great article. A lot of really good points here.
23 October 2012 06:01
corncrake said...
This is an extremely well-written and carefully considered article.
Like its predecessors on this topic published on these pages, it has definitely served to add to my understanding of such relationships and for this I thank you.
23 October 2012 08:39
@AnastasiaVitsky said...
@PinkAngel: Thank you! You are right that it takes strength not to head to the hills. I hope your DD relationship continues to grow and develop.

@Jade: Very true that these issues can bring a couple together as well as push apart. It's all in how the difficulties are handled, isn't it? I am glad you enjoyed the article.

@Alef: Thank you for reading. I would love to hear more about your DD writing.

@Lea: Glad you like it! Nice to see you here.

@corncrake: If my article helped with your understanding of DD, I am very happy. Thank *you* for reading and commenting.

Thank you also to Februs and WRW for hosting me. :)
23 October 2012 12:03
SouthernLady said...
This is the kind of very difficult subject matter that makes the Wellred Weekly shine. Your contribution gives all of us who delve into DD relationships a lot to think about and encourages more communication with our mates. PinkAngel, your insights are also helpful and informative.
23 October 2012 14:44
@AnastasiaVitsky said...
@SouthernLady: These are the kinds of issues that many people don't want to admit, so they become even more of a problem. There is no shame in working very hard on a relationship and having to re-adjust! Communication is difficult, but we all can get better and better at it.
23 October 2012 17:04
tenb6 said...
Very well written and interesting article, which shows that sometimes the fantasy of a DD relationship does not translate into reality.
23 October 2012 19:40
Janine said...
Very well-written and thought-provoking. Thank you for delving into this topic and helping those of us not too familiar with the DD world to better understand its dynamics and complexities.
24 October 2012 02:48
canadianspankee said...
Interesting article that can make one think about what the situation is in their own lives. To be in a DD relationship takes a lot of hard work on the part of both partners to make it work. I do not think abuse happens often in a married relationship, however I do think it happens more often in a parent/ adult child relationship, especially if there is no blood relation.

A unjust or unfair spanking has to be dealt with the same way any other thing in a relationship has to be, talking it out and coming to a mutual understanding and agreement is essential if any type of relationship is to survive.

Great amount of work putting this article together, and I thank you for that.
24 October 2012 20:04
jools said...
Thank you Ana for a very well written and thought provoking article. You have certainly shed light for me into the dynamics and complexities for those who share DD relationships. To me the whole area of DD has enormous grey areas, especially if one, or both of the parties involved see spanking as being an integral part of their sexuality. I must say that unfair or unequal spanking relationships are a very complex issue which would hugely strain the dynamics of DD relationship. In my opinion (inexperienced in this area) if a DD relationship works well for the couple within the bounds of a healthy, committed relationship then more power to them, as this dynamic would take incredible strength and trust.
25 October 2012 10:31
@AnastasiaVitsky said...
@tenb6: Thank you. The fantasy of DD, while fun to imagine, can be harmful if it is not recognized as fantasy.

@Janine: Thank you for reading, and I'm glad it was interesting for you.

@canadianspankee: Absolutely. You say it very well.

@jools: You are right that sexuality brings an entire other layer into this dynamic and discussion. Unfair spankings can be a problem, but so can the fantasies that DD and the HoH can magically solve everything. It's complicated, and yes it does take strength and trust on both sides.
25 October 2012 12:41
bendover said...
What a great article. One has to look carefully into this type of relationship before committing themselves to one. Resentment, anger, deception, withdrawal, and lowered self-esteem can be a vital part in the continuation of the relationship.

To me, unfair spankings are simply abuse of power. Not necessarily abusive to the person being spanked, but if there is resentment and anger afterwards, then someone wasn't listening too well. This whole article was a major hit in my book.

Well done Anastasia.
25 October 2012 23:29
islandcarol said...
I am not involved in a DD relationship and could only imagine the pros and cons until today when I read your essay. Although Pink has peeled away some of the mystery for us, I am still confounded by the sensational extreme implements, ropes, chains and fearsome hoods all in the name of domestic discipline on the internet. It is quite wonderful to read your down to earth practical give and take examples in such a relationship, Thank you Anastasia.
27 October 2012 03:35
@AnastasiaVitsky said...
@bendover: You are right that commitments need to come only after some careful discussion and investigation.

I do think that within DD there is room for some unfair spankings, not as an abuse of power, but as recognition of human weakness and mistakes. There should never be a deliberate intent to be unfair, but a mistake shouldn't nullify the entire relationship. Glad you liked the article.

@islandcarol: I think that many people online enjoy a good sensationalist fantasy. It's great for those who enjoy it, but DD doesn't always have to be that way. There is some great DD fiction coming out as a work-a-day alternative to the "out there" fantasies. Thank you!
7 November 2012 14:01
TheEnglishMaster said...
Thank you for this impressively clear and grounded account (the bullet points were very helpful!) of a specifically challenging scenario that presumably does arise occasionally in DD relationships. I've always been fascinated by (and have written about) the paradox in the fine line between reward and punishment, assuming that it only occurs to a submissive person to accept the possibility of spanking punishments if they find the idea exciting in the first place.
26 November 2012 23:08
@AnastasiaVitsky said...
Sorry I am just seeing this now, TheEnglishMaster. I admittedly have a weakness for bullet points.

There are some who submit but don't find spanking exciting. Not all, but some. There are others who find spanking exciting in some contexts, but a punishment is very different for them.

To me it seems that the bigger difficulty (than perhaps liking a spanking) is the lack of communication or the confusion when trying to communicate.

Thank you for your thoughts!
5 December 2012 14:16
Penny said...
I'm sorry it took so long for me to find this article. I think one thing my husband does, before he punishes me to avoid this problem, is he will get my consent for the punishment to take place. That being said once I give it then I'm no longer in control of the spanking. That might not be a common thing for most DD couples, but it works for us.
20 January 2013 14:17
tuffhand said...
The HOH should always explain the reason for the punishment and listen. However, in the end it is his decision,
22 February 2013 23:41
onegame said...
Yes it is important to trust your partner. I think the disciplinarian should explain why the person was spanked, if there is confusion.
27 February 2013 01:03
Nobby said...

Clarity and consistency are essential!
3 March 2013 23:25
Fannywhacker said...
I agree that a punishment spanking is just what it says it is. It isn't a love tap or "get me ready for sex" warm-up. The submissive has done something to displease the dominant and must be taught that such behavior is unacceptable. How much punishment depends on the infraction, but I don't think the submissive has ANY say in how much will be applied. If the submissive thinks the dominant is cruel or sadistic, he/she can just leave the relationship and find someone else who will not be cruel or sadistic. But to give a submissive a "safe" word or let them determine their own levels of punishment emasculates the whole purpose of a punishment spanking.
7 March 2013 21:08
Laseylane said...
This was a wonderful article. It is well written, and would be helpful for anyone starting a DD relationship. The dynamic can be a difficult one. Some people promote DD as if it will fix a relationship gone sour or a difficult marriage. I feel it is far too complex - with too much potential to cause harm without a strong relationship to support it.

I completely disagree with you Fannywhacker on giving a submissive a safe word. The reason a safe word is called a "safe word" is because it helps to ensure safety. If a submissive partner has a medical issue or an emotional issue - there may be times that a spanking needs to be stopped to ensure safety. I have asthma, and yes my husband watches my breathing very carefully - but he feels safer knowing that I can say one word to stop a spanking if I really need to. A submissive should not need to be forced to submit to discipline. Part of the exchange is submitting to discipline.
8 March 2013 01:27
@AnastasiaVitsky said...
@Fannywhacker: There may be some say according to physical limits, emotional state, and so on. After all, sometimes there are things going on that the disciplinarian doesn't know about...but essentially, yes a punishment is supposed to be exactly that.

@Nobby: Yes, the clarity is often harder than consistency.

@onegame: Sometimes it *is* explained, but the person is so upset that he or she can't take it in.

@tuffhand: Sometimes an explanation right at the moment is not possible, or sometimes an "explanation" becomes viewed as a challenge to begin an argument. But yes, at some point it does need to be the decision of the HoH, who may be a man or a woman.

@Penny: The idea of "consensual non-consent" is a common one in DD relationships. By consenting to the disciplinary relationship, the person gives consent to be punished when he or she does not feel like consenting right at that moment. (See above reply regarding punishment.)
9 March 2013 22:47
CrimsonKidCK said...
Giving the "head of household" (disciplinarian) full discretion to punish the "taken in hand" (disciplined) partner in a DD relationship, obviously that requires a great deal of trust--it also almost certainly requires that the "taken in hand" partner accept that he/she will eventually undergo some corporal correction that he/she doesn't fully deserve, because even a wise, emotionally stable "head of household" will occasionally make a mistake.

Hopefully there's some mechanism for resolving such a situation afterward, even though the disciplined partner's sore seat can't actually be 'unspanked' and his/her hurt feelings may take time to heal. However, all humans being fallible, the disciplinarian merely being in a bad mood could result in his/her partner being soundly chastised--I'd venture that accepting such a possibility, by both parties, is part-and-parcel of a DD arrangement. (While guilt feelings for administering a precipitate undeserved punishment may not be as tangible as a deeply-reddened derriere and a tearstained face, certainly a caring "head of household" would suffer them--having consensual disciplinary authority over a loved one can be the figurative double-edged sword.)

RE Lasey's remarks on safewords, in one Library story I recall the spanker (about to administer a punitive paddling) telling his/her spankee, "Safeword for non-punishment issues only." In other words, no stopping the discipline simply because the spanking was hurting his/her rear end too much.

Although I've never been in a DD relationship, it's nonetheless intriguing to explore one or two via fiction... --C.K.
7 May 2013 07:45
Goodgulf said...
Communication is the key. Both sides need to know and understand the limits of the relationship. If one person thinks "a good effort counts" while the other believes in "zero tolerance" the relationship will soon break down.

At their hearts, all DD relationships are consensual. If that consent is abused then the relationship will go down in flames.
8 May 2013 19:49
sub25 said...
Punishment needs justification as well!
14 May 2013 19:54
sixofthebest said...
Maintenance spankings, or punishment spankings are given to a wife, by her husband, because she has been naughty, or displeased the head of the household. Be it a minor infraction a light corporal discipline is in order, Implements to be used hand, paddle, hairbrush.. A major infraction, the birch rod, or cane, should be applied to her bare bottom. Yes, they should be uncomfortable for her, to the extent of being painful.
23 November 2013 19:56

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